Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Dear Lord..
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?