[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
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Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
That eye roll….
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos