doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
You Might Also Like
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
sliding into dms like
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
💁🏻♂️