Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
You Might Also Like
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons