I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.