DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
This kid will have a bright future.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.