I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
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My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Skills
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
choose your fighter
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no