@AnitaHelmet: There's a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out. She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

@GrandadJFreeman: If Google can't find the answer, it's not a question.

@HatfieldAnne: Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

@KalvinMacleod: CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity? ME: no thank you SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@ipalatsky: - You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!! - Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.