Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
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Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Fights fire with marshmallows
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas