@LindseyEllison2: If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you're probably Rosetta Stoned.

@Playing_Dad: [At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

@ErikGators: Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it's ok for her to talk to multiple cats.

@TheMichaelRock: Me: Hey lady, you can't park there. Her: I'm just running into Starbucks. Me: Oh shit, my bad. Laws don't apply to you then.

@QwertyJones3: Let's name him something that will make children smile "How about Santa?" Ok but let's add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him