President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for