I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
You have been warned.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around