Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
where the womens at?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart