married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
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Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I am laughing way too hard at this.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes