DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
You Might Also Like
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.