DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.