Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
What the dentist sees
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”