@kumailn: Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.
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@heidi420x: Me: was I born with a mental disorder? Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again Me: NO Mom: ? Me: I thought pants would be different
@DannyZuker: "WAIT!" I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added "TUBE" so yeah, God exists.
@joryjohn: [Baby crying in a movie theater] Me: "What's his name?" Parent: "Ethan." Me: "The movie's starting, Ethan."