DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
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Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
your elf on the shelf was delicious
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology