My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
True freaking story!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns