Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
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My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Did…did a minotaur write this
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t