@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I'm leaving you." Me: "I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!"

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 3-year-old: A monster truck. I don't think insurance is going to cover that surgery.

@Bluestmoon_: I don't mean to brag, but I'm in my 30's and my bank account makes me look 21.

@david8hughes: Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden? Me out of breath with no shoes on: I'm not sure.

@NYC_Blonde: Boys are cute how they're all "I like girls that don't wear heavy makeup" and "get down from that tree near my window or I'll call the cops"