Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
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PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?