Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
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You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm