FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
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My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.