“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings