Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Wait a second…
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.