DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
My dog ate my work from home.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
incredible
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…