David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
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HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Previously On Persistence 😎
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years