Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.