Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
☺️
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*