DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
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My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Guy who likes music
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex