doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
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ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
real
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”