Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
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humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no