Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.