DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
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God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.