[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.