hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
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People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
house sitting!
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour