Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand