I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
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Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..