[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
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Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.