[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
True.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person: