[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
OMG 🤣🤣
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.