Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there