@pixelatedboat: Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don't fall out of a helicopter
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@ItsAndyRyan: GYM Man: "Can you spot me?" Me: "Sure" Man: *Throwing down towel* "Invisibility cloak my ass"
@thatUPSdude: Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.
@AndrewNadeau0: MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine LAYLA: I love that ME: And you mine THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured