Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people