Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank