sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
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Bobby pin
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.