Always a housemaid, never a house.
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when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.