@Jennarater: Does a litter box count as a guest bathroom?
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@13spencer: I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
@AndrewChamings: Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level. ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
@BlackCatBettie: If you have a horse and you didn't name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can't be friends.
@BuckyIsotope: *sits son down for the talk* You ready? “Yeah” Ok. When a man and a woman love each other- *pulls out Pokéball* -they throw this at a baby