fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
You Might Also Like
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever