Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Seek kebab; not attention
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.