ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.