Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
You Might Also Like
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Oh deer
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.